Basic Books

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Anger and relationships

Anger is particularly destructive in relationships. When we live in close contact with someone, our personalities, priorities, interests, and ways of doing things frequently clash.

Since we spend so much time together, and since we know the other person’s shortcomings so well, it is very easy for us to become critical and short-tempered with our partner and to blame him or her for making our life uncomfortable. Unless we make a continuous effort to deal with this anger as it arises, our relationship will suffer.

A couple may genuinely love one another, but if they frequently get angry with each other the times when they are happy together will become fewer and further between.

Eventually there will come a point when before they have recovered from one row the next has already begun. Like a flower choked by weeds, love cannot survive in such circumstances.

In a close relationship, opportunities to get angry arise many times a day, so to prevent the build-up of bad feelings we need to deal with anger as soon as it begins to arise in our mind.

We clear away the dishes after every meal rather than waiting until the end of the month, because we do not want to live in a dirty house nor be faced with a huge, unpleasant job. In the same way, we need to make the effort to clear away the mess in our mind as soon as it appears, for if we allow it to accumulate it will become more and more difficult to deal with, and will endanger our relationship.

We should remember that every opportunity to develop anger is also an opportunity to develop patience. A relationship in which there is a lot of friction and conflict of interests is also an unrivalled opportunity to erode away our self-cherishing and self-grasping, which are the real sources of all our problems. By practicing the instructions on patience explained here, we can transform our relationships into opportunities for spiritual growth.

It is through our anger and hatred that we transform people into enemies. We generally assume that anger arises when we encounter a disagreeable person, but actually it is the anger already within us that transforms the person we meet into our imagined foe. Someone controlled by their anger lives within a paranoid view of the world, surrounded by enemies of his or her own creation.

The false belief that everyone hates him can become so overwhelming that he might even go insane, the victim of his own delusion.

© Geshe Kelsang Gyatso & New Kadampa Tradition

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The Patience of not Retaliating

Patience, on the other hand, helps us in this life and in all future lives. As Shantideva says:

There is no evil like anger
And no virtue like patience.

With patience, we can accept any pain that is inflicted upon us and we can easily endure our usual troubles and indispositions. With patience, nothing upsets our peace of mind and we do not experience problems. With patience, we maintain an inner peace and tranquility that allows spiritual realizations to grow. Chandrakirti says that if we practise patience we will have a beautiful form in the future, and we will become a holy being with high realizations.

There are three types of patience:

1 The patience of not retaliating

2 The patience of voluntarily enduring suffering

3 The patience of definitely thinking about Dharma

The patience of not retaliating

To practise this type of patience, we need to remain continuously mindful of the dangers of anger and the benefits of patient acceptance, and, whenever anger is about to arise in our mind, we need immediately to apply the methods for eliminating it. We begin by learning to forbear small difficulties, such as insignificant insults or minor disruptions to our routine, and then gradually to improve our patience until we are able to forbear even the greatest difficulty without getting angry.

When we are meditating on patience, we can use many different lines of reasoning to help us overcome our tendency to retaliate. For example, we can contemplate that if someone were to hit us with a stick, we would not get angry with the stick, because it was being wielded by the attacker and had no choice.

In the same way, if someone insults us or harms us, we should not get angry with him, because he is being manipulated by his deluded minds and also has no choice. Similarly, we can think that just as a doctor does not get angry if a feverish patient lashes out at him, so we should not get angry if confused living beings, suffering from the sickness of the delusions, harm us in any way. There are many special lines of reasoning such as these to be found in Joyful Path of Good Fortune, Meaningful to Behold, and Transform Your Life.

The fundamental reason why we receive harm is that we have harmed others in the past. Those who attack us are merely the conditions whereby our karma ripens; the real cause of all the harm we receive is our own negativity. If, in such circumstances, we retaliate, we simply create more negative karma and so we will have to suffer even more harm in the future. If we patiently accept injury, however, we break the chain and that particular karmic debt is paid off

© Geshe Kelsang Gyatso & New Kadampa Tradition

These books are available in multiple formats.

In generation stage Tantra, practitioners emphasise training in divine pride and training in clear appearance. Before training in divine pride, practitioners need to learn to perceive their body and mind as Heruka’s body and mind. Having accomplished this, they then use their imagined Heruka’s body and mind as the basis of imputation for their ‘I’ and develop the thought ‘I am Buddha Heruka.’ They then meditate on this divine pride with single-pointed concentration. Through training in this meditation they will gain a deep realization of divine pride, which spontaneously believes that they are Heruka. At this time they have changed the basis of imputation for their I.

From beginningless time, in life after life, the basis of imputation for our I has been only a contaminated body and mind. Because our I is imputed upon a contaminated body and mind, whenever we develop the thought ‘I’ we simultaneously experience the ignorance of self-grasping, a mind grasping at an inherently existent ‘I’ and ‘mine’, which is the root of all our sufferings. However, for qualified Tantric practitioners, their deep realization of divine pride prevents the ignorance of self-grasping from arising so there is no basis for their experiencing suffering; they will enjoy their pure environment, body, enjoyments and mind of Heruka.

We may ask how, if these practitioners are not yet actually Buddha Heruka, they can believe that they are; and how is it possible for them to gain the realization of divine pride if their view believing themselves to be Heruka is a mistaken view? Although these practitioners are not real Buddha Heruka, nevertheless they can believe that they are because they have changed their basis of imputation from their contaminated aggregates to the uncontaminated aggregates of Heruka. Believing themselves to be Buddha Heruka is not a mistaken view because it is non-deceptive and arises from the wisdom realizing that the inherently existent ‘I’ and ‘mine’ do not exist. Their realization of divine pride that spontaneously believes themselves to be Heruka therefore has the power to prevent the ignorance of self-grasping, the root of samsara, from arising.

Things do not exist from their own side. There are no inherently existent ‘I’, ‘mine’ and other phenomena; all phenomena exist as mere imputations. Things are imputed upon their basis of imputation by thought. What does ‘basis of imputation’ mean? For example, the parts of a car are the basis of imputation for the car. The parts of a car are not the car, but there is no car other than its parts. Car is imputed upon its parts by thought. How? Through perceiving any of the parts of the car we naturally develop the thought ‘This is the car’. Similarly, our body and mind are not our I or self but are the basis of imputation for our I or self. Our I is imputed upon our body or mind by thought. Through perceiving our body or mind we naturally develop the thought ‘I’ or ‘mine’. Without a basis of imputation things cannot exist; everything depends upon its basis of imputation.

Why is it necessary to change the basis of imputation for our I? As mentioned above, since beginningless time in life after life until now, the basis of imputation for our I has only been contaminated aggregates of body and mind. Because the basis of imputation for our I is contaminated by the poison of self-grasping ignorance, we experience the endless cycle of suffering. To free ourself from suffering permanently we therefore need to change our basis of imputation from contaminated aggregates to uncontaminated aggregates.

How can we change our basis of imputation? In general, we have changed our basis of imputation countless times. In our previous lives we took countless rebirths, and each time the basis of imputation for our I was different. When we took a human rebirth our basis of imputation was a human body and mind, and when we took an animal rebirth our basis of imputation was an animal’s body and mind. Even in this life, when we were a baby our basis of imputation was a baby’s body and mind, when we were a teenager our basis of imputation was a teenager’s body and mind, and when we grow old our basis of imputation will be an old person’s body and mind. All these countless bases of imputation are contaminated aggregates. We have never changed our basis of imputation from contaminated to uncontaminated aggregates. Only through relying upon Buddha’s Tantric teachings can we accomplish this.

We change our basis of imputation from contaminated to uncontaminated aggregates by training in clear appearance and divine pride. As Buddha explained in his Tantric teachings, first we learn to purify our body and mind by meditating on the emptiness of the body, mind and all other phenomena. Perceiving only emptiness, we then generate ourself as an enlightened Deity such as Heruka. We then learn to perceive clearly our body and mind as Heruka’s body and mind, our world as Heruka’s Pure Land, and all those around us as enlightened Heroes and Heroines. This is called ‘training in clear appearance’. Perceiving our body and mind as the uncontaminated aggregates of Heruka’s body and mind, we develop the thought ‘I am Buddha Heruka’. We then meditate on this divine pride continually with single-pointed concentration until we gain a deep realization of divine pride that spontaneously believes we are Buddha Heruka. At this time we have changed our basis of imputation from contaminated to uncontaminated aggregates.

If we are normally called John, for example, we should never believe that John is Buddha Heruka, but feel that John disappeared into emptiness before we generated as Buddha Heruka. We then believe that our I, which is imputed upon Heruka’s body and mind, is Buddha Heruka. This belief is not a mistaken view, because it arises from wisdom, whereas mistaken views necessarily arise from ignorance. The realization of divine pride arises from wisdom and is a powerful method for accumulating great merit and wisdom.

Even if we have the realization that spontaneously believes that we are Buddha Heruka we should never indicate or declare this to others, as such behaviour is inappropriate in normal society. People will still see us as John and not Heruka, and we also know that John is not Heruka. The realizations of divine pride and clear appearance are inner experiences that have the power to control our delusions, and from which pure actions will naturally develop. There is therefore no basis for us to show inappropriate behaviour; we must continue to engage in our daily activities and communicate with others as normal.

We can practise generation stage Tantra in conjunction with the self-generation sadhana of Buddha Heruka, which is a ritual prayer for accomplishing the attainment of Buddha Heruka.

© Geshe Kelsang Gyatso & New Kadampa Tradition

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The Preciousness of Tantra

In his Sutra teachings Buddha gives us great encouragement to accomplish the ultimate goal of human life. This goal will be accomplished quickly through the practice of Tantra. Tantra, also known as ‘Secret Mantra’ or ‘Vajrayana’, is a special method to purify our world, our self, our enjoyments and our activities; and if we put this method into practice we shall very quickly attain enlightenment. As explained in Part One, our world does not exist from its own side; like a dream world, it is a mere appearance to our mind. In dreams we can see and touch our dream world, but when we wake up we realize that it was simply a projection of our mind and had no existence outside our mind. In the same way, the world we see when we are awake is simply a projection of our mind and has no existence outside our mind. Milarepa said:

“You should know that all appearances are the nature of mind, and mind is the nature of emptiness.”

Because our world, our self, our enjoyments and our activities are the nature of our mind, when our mind is impure they are impure, and when our mind becomes pure through purification practice they become pure. There are many different levels of purifying our mind. The subtle mistaken appearance of our mind cannot be purified through the practice of Sutra alone; we need to engage in the practice of Highest Yoga Tantra. When we completely purify our mind through Tantric practice, our world, our self, our enjoyments and our activities also become completely pure – this is the state of enlightenment. Attaining enlightenment is therefore very simple; all we need to do is apply effort to purifying our mind.

We know that when our mind is impure because we are feeling angry with our friend, we see him as bad; but when our mind is pure because we are feeling affectionate love for the same friend, we see him as good. Therefore, it is because of changing our own mind from pure to impure or from impure to pure that for us our friend changes from good to bad or from bad to good. This indicates that everything that is good, bad or neutral for us is a projection of our mind and has no existence outside our mind. Through practising Tantra we shall completely purify our mind and thus experience the complete purity of our world, our self, our enjoyments and our activities – the ‘four complete purities’.

© Geshe Kelsang Gyatso & New Kadampa Tradition

These books are available in multiple formats.

How to Meditate

Each of the twenty-one meditation practices has five parts: preparation, contemplation, meditation, dedication, and subsequent practice. The instructions that explain these twenty-one meditation practices are called the “stages of the path”, or “Lamrim”. The realizations of these meditations are the actual spiritual paths that lead us to the great liberation of full enlightenment.

The first part, the preparatory practices, prepare us for successful meditation by purifying hindrances caused by our previous negative actions, by accumulating merit (or good fortune), and by enabling us to receive the blessings of enlightened beings. The preparatory practices are very important if we wish to gain deep experience of these meditations. For this purpose, we can begin our meditation with Prayers for Meditation, which can be found in Appendix I. A commentary to these practices can be found in Appendix II.

The purpose of the second part, contemplation, or analytical meditation, is to bring to mind the object of placement meditation. We do this by considering various lines of reasoning, contemplating analogies, and reflecting on the meaning of the instructions. It is helpful to memorize the contemplations given in each section so that we can meditate without having to look at the text. The contemplations given here are intended only as guidelines. We should supplement and enrich them with whatever reasons and examples we find helpful.

When, through our contemplations, the object appears clearly, we leave our analytical meditation and concentrate on the object single-pointedly. This single-pointed concentration is the third part, the actual meditation.

When we first start to meditate, our concentration is poor; we are easily distracted and often lose our object of meditation. Therefore, to begin with, we shall probably need to alternate between contemplation and placement meditation many times in each session. For example, if we are meditating on compassion, we begin by contemplating the various sufferings experienced by living beings until a strong feeling of compassion arises in our heart.

When this feeling arises, we meditate on it single-pointedly. If the feeling fades, or if our mind wanders to another object, we should return to analytical meditation to bring the feeling back to mind. When the feeling of compassion has been restored, we once again leave our analytical meditation and hold the feeling with single-pointed concentration.

Both contemplation and meditation serve to acquaint our mind with virtuous objects.

The more familiar we are with such objects, the more peaceful our mind becomes. By training in meditation, and living in accordance with the insights and resolutions developed during meditation, eventually we shall be able to maintain a peaceful mind continuously, throughout our life. More detailed instructions on the contemplations and on meditation in general can be found in Transform Your Life and Joyful Path of Good Fortune.

At the end of each session, we dedicate the merit produced by our meditation towards the attainment of enlightenment. If merit is not dedicated, it can easily be destroyed by anger. By reciting the dedication prayers sincerely at the end of each meditation session, we ensure that the merit we created by meditating is not wasted but acts as a cause of enlightenment.

The fifth part of each meditation practice is the subsequent practice. This consists of advice on how to integrate the meditation into our daily life. It is important to remember that Dharma practice is not confined to our activities during the meditation session; it should permeate our whole life.

We should not allow a gulf to develop between our meditation and our daily life, because the success of our meditation depends upon the purity of our conduct outside the meditation session. We should keep a watch over our mind at all times by applying mindfulness, alertness, and conscientiousness; and we should try to abandon whatever bad habits we may have.

Deep experience of Dharma is the result of practical training over a long period of time, both in and out of meditation. Therefore, we should practise steadily and gently, without being in a hurry to see results.

To summarize, our mind is like a field. Engaging in the preparatory practices is like preparing the field by removing obstacles caused by past negative actions, making it fertile with merit, and watering it with the blessings of the holy beings. Contemplation and meditation are like sowing good seeds, and dedication and subsequent practice are the methods for ripening our harvest of Dharma realizations.

© Geshe Kelsang Gyatso & New Kadampa Tradition

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The Inner Wealth of Compassion

When we arise from meditation we try to carry our feeling of compassion into the meditation break. Whenever we encounter anyone we should recall how they are suffering and develop compassion for them. Then just seeing a living being will be like finding a rare and precious treasure. This is because the compassion we experience upon meeting others is a supreme inner wealth that is an inexhaustible source of benefit for us in both this and future lives.

As mentioned earlier, external wealth cannot help us in our future lives, and even in this life it is not certain that it will bring us happiness for it is often the cause of much anxiety and can even endanger our life. Rich people have particular worries that poor people never have; for example they often worry about thieves, about investments and interest rates, and about losing their money and social status. This is a heavy burden for them.

Whereas most people can go out freely whenever they choose, many wealthy and famous people need bodyguards and may even worry about being kidnapped. Rich people have little freedom or independence and can never fully relax. The higher up we are in the world the further we have to fall; it is safer to be nearer the bottom.

No matter how much we succeed in improving our external conditions, they can never bring us pure happiness nor provide real protection from suffering. True happiness cannot be found in this impure world. Instead of striving to obtain external wealth it would be far better if we sought the internal wealth of virtue, for, unlike external wealth, this can never deceive us and will definitely bring us the peace and happiness we desire.

If we are skillful, friends can be like treasure chests, from whom we can obtain the precious wealth of love, compassion, patience, and so forth. For our friends to function in this way, however, our love for them must be free from attachment. If our love for our friends is mixed with strong attachment it will be conditional upon their behaving in ways that please us, and, as soon as they do something we disapprove of, our liking for them may turn to anger. In fact, the most common objects of our anger are often our friends, not our enemies or strangers!

If we often get angry with our friends we are transforming them into maras. A mara, or demon, is someone or something that interferes with our spiritual practice. No one is a mara from his or her own side, but if we allow people to stimulate in us deluded minds such as anger, strong attachment, or self-cherishing we transform them into maras for us.

A mara does not need to have horns and a terrifying expression; someone who appears to be a good friend, who flatters us and leads us into meaningless activities, can be a greater obstacle to our spiritual practice. Whether our friends are precious treasures or maras depends entirely upon us; if we are sincerely practising patience, compassion, and love they can be like priceless jewels, but if we are often getting angry with them they can become maras.

We would be delighted to find a treasure chest buried beneath the ground or to win a large sum of money, and would consider ourself very fortunate. However, if we consider the deceptiveness of external wealth and the superiority of the inner wealth of virtue, how much more fortunate should we feel whenever we meet another living being, the potential source of limitless inner wealth? For a sincere, compassionate practitioner, just seeing other living beings, speaking with them, or merely thinking about them is like finding buried treasure. All their encounters with other people serve to enhance their compassion, and even everyday activities such as shopping or chatting to friends become causes of enlightenment.

© Geshe Kelsang Gyatso & New Kadampa Tradition